It’s a hard truth that some kids live with parents who are transphobic. No province should forcibly out gender nonconforming kids to these parents.
By Julie Malbogat Contributor Sunday, September 10, 2023
It-is-a-privilege-not-a-right-to-know-your-kid-s-gender-identity Toronto Star, September 10, 2023
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My son, Zack, is transgender. He told us — nonchalantly at bedtime — three years ago. Because he’s only 11, so far his transition has been strictly social: new pronouns, new clothes, new haircut, new name. With few exceptions, it’s been as nothingburger as it sounds.
By the time he has his first appointment at the SickKids gender clinic in August 2024, he’ll be 12 and a half and we’ll have been on the wait-list for 18 months. If, four years into his transition, he chooses gender affirming medication, it will not be an impulsive decision.
As an urban, liberal, agnostic Canadian, the hardest part of parenting a trans kid has been watching the anti-trans groundswell — particularly in the U.K and the U.S. As of this month, 22 U.S. states have enacted laws or policies banning gender affirming care for youth up to age 18 — despite evidence that this care does more good than harm.
I’ve cried often for those kids and their parents and I’ve cried for fear these baseless laws will make their way north of the border.
And now it begins.
In the Conservative provinces of New Brunswick and Saskatchewan, parental consent is now required before a student under 16 can use their preferred pronouns or name at school. In my own province of Ontario, Education Minister Stephen Lecce has opened the door to similar policies here, saying, “Parents must be fully involved and fully aware of what’s happening in the life of their children … so that they can support their kids.”
On the surface, I couldn’t agree more. This has been my experience, after all: because Zack trusted us enough to share his gender identity with us, my husband and I have been fully involved, fully aware, and fully supportive.
We were the ones — not Zack — to have the conversations with the school about changing his pronouns and his name. Not because it was our right to do so, as the education minister suggests, but because we earned the privilege of Zack’s true self.
But not all kids have the luxury of an LGBTQ+-tolerant home. According to the Trevor Project’s 2022 National (U.S.) Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, fewer than one in three transgender and non-binary youth find their home to be gender-affirming.
And here in Canada, hate crimes targeting people for their sexual orientation rose by 60 per cent in Statistics Canada’s most recent Hate Crimes Report versus its previous one. It’s a hard truth that some kids live with parents who are homophobic and transphobic; in the worst cases, abusively so. No province should be making policies to forcibly out gender nonconforming kids to these parents.
If you truly are the sort of parent to support your kid’s gender identity, you don’t need a policy to codify your right to do so. You simply need to be open, kind, caring, and create a safe space for your kid to be themself. If you do that, they’ll share their gender identity with you before they share it with their school.
But not everyone is that sort of parent. So those of us who are need to band together to make sure the most important rights in this discussion — the rights of children to freely express their gender — are upheld and uplifted.
Julie Malbogat works as an account director at a graphic design agency. She lives in Toronto with her husband, kids, and pets.