Our Team asked our readers for coming out day stories they wanted to share with our Toronto Pflag Family. Below is a submission from parent Lisa D.
When N came out to me as questioning at the age of 14, it wasn’t a big deal. I’d noticed that they didn’t have the stereotypical obsession with the opposite sex but it didn’t worry me. I think that society is hypersexualized and we foist it on our kids - especially our girls - well before they’re ready for it. So with cis-gender, heterosexual ignorance, I told N not to label themself and they’d figure things out in time.
A few weeks later they told me they’re nonbinary. That threw me for a loop. Cis-gender privilege means I’d never had to distinguish between “gender”, “sex”, “sexuality”, and the myriad other terms that describe and explain the gender spectrum. In N’s words, it took me a hot minute to really understand. I had no frame of reference and didn’t know any other families like ours. It was a bumpy time.
It took joining my local PFLAG chapter and meeting people from the LGBTQ community to get a sense of its depth and diversity. I learned how difficult, risky, painful, and (too often) dangerous it can be to come out. It’s one reason I’m involved as an advocate and ally. But until our experience, I didn’t realize that it’s not just our LGBTQ loved ones who come out. Truly affirming and supportive families also come out. I also didn’t know that it’s not a one-time event. It will happen repeatedly throughout life, with varying levels of risk and always with vulnerability.
My own experience was sometimes uncomfortable but for the most part I was met with kindness, support, and a genuine desire to learn - and this was in the Deep South! None of my close coworkers had any real direct interaction with the LGBTQ community, but they kept open minds; they actively learned in order to try to understand my situation. Their support and caring gave me extra strength which helped me support and advocate for my kid.
Family was as supportive as they could be. N’s a twin and their sibling took all of this in stride; D was an advocate and champion from the beginning. Most of our extended family still doesn’t fully understand, but they love us enough to use N’s chosen name and the correct pronouns. They don’t get it right all the time, but they try, and that’s significant.
My experience spurred me to start a support group for parents of transgender kids with another mother who has become one of my best friends. The realtor who sold my house is a dear friend I made serving on my local PFLAG chapter. Recently I was on a podcast to help another mom whose adult child came out as transgender. Because of my child and their courage, my life is richer in ways that I never imagined.
I’m grateful to N for trusting me and allowing me to walk beside them on the path to becoming the amazing person I always knew they would be.